Mormons and Infidelity

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In Masters’ and Johnson’s recent book Human Sexual Inadequacy, I ran across some startling information that made a whole group of other data collected accidentally and incidentally over a period of ten years suddenly coalesce and quite jar me. They indicated that a sizable number of patients whom they had treated for sexual problems had been previously seduced by former therapists they had consulted seeking a solution to their sexual problems. Thinking back to my own clinical training I remembered that no one had ever really warned me about the problems that transference and counter-transference could get a psychotherapist into (i.e., getting emotionally or otherwise involved with the patient). And yet over a period of years I had known many colleagues and therapists (L.D.S. and non-L.D.S.) who had become emotionally and sometimes sexually involved with people they were treating. Sometimes this led to divorce for the therapist, sometimes not. In the case of the Mormons excommunication or disfellowshipment occasionally occurred, though not always. 

In sifting through cases both of clients and colleagues where this occurred it seemed that certain occupations were particularly “high risk” or vulnerable, including lawyers, salesmen, physicians, psycho therapists and counselors of all kinds, and certain businesses; the people in all these professions had frequent, close, and per sonal association with many members of the opposite sex other than their spouses. This tended to facilitate the formation of dependency relations between men and women not married to each other. And it has become increasingly obvious to me that despite the high resolve, good morals, and great personal integrity which characterize many persons of the L.D.S. faith, we all have personal vulnerabilities and private neuroses which occasionally and under certain circumstances render many of us susceptible. 

Since this can and does happen even to sophisticated therapists, it is not surprising that ministers, bishops and even their counselors or others in the Church can also be vulnerable and occasionally fall prey. It would seem to me a wise practice to give all newly called Bishops some practical counsel on how to effectively deal with the transference problem. 

In working with L.D.S. couples where one party has become caught up in an affair, I’ve been impressed by how many have been “good people” who slowly, almost imperceptibly and unknowingly, have drifted into such a relationship, then suddenly have found themselves trapped by an intense passion for another person. And whether sexual activity was involved or not, the emotional commitment to that party often created static in the person’s own marital relationship, making it difficult for them to see their spouse in a generous light or even to want to work out their own marital problems. All minor irritations became magnified and provided rationalizations for them to continue with their flirtation or affair. 

It’s like having the flu; you painfully know you have it, but seem to have little power to do much about it. The individual knows he’s being irrational, wrong—”I’d die if the kids found out,” but, “I can’t help myself, I can’t give the other person up yet.” There appears to be absolutely no relationship between such things as IQ or social class level and vulnerability to this distressing disease. It can strike anyone who is susceptible. 

The best defense for people in the “dangerous” occupations or Church positions is to have full awareness of the dynamics of transference and counter-transference so that they recognize the problem before they are trapped or are apparently “powerless” to effectively deal with it. Anybody who counsels others (sharing their deepest feelings and helping with their most serious problems) will frequently find himself venerated, liked, adored, and even loved by some of his patients, clients, parishoners, secretaries, dental assistants or ward members. This is, of course, what we mean by transference and it can be an extremely heady and ego-inflating experience. During the process of counseling or therapy the counselor must be secure and stable enough not to be seduced by this type of flattering experience. But for a therapist, or Bishop, to be truly effective I’m personally convinced that he has to have a loving wife and a good marriage, otherwise in time his “well will run dry”; he will lose his effectiveness and his own needs will eventually intrude into the interview and relations with those he counsels. 

The notion that a light flirtation can be harmless in such a setting can turn into a cruel hoax. It attacks the very heart of the marital relationship, involving trust between the husband and wife. That may sound like a corny platitude, but I’ve spent many months and years shoring up col lapsed egos of women (or men) who turn their aggression inward and hate themselves, not their mate because he (or she) strayed. They frequently blame themselves, somehow, for what happened. It was almost as if they were saying, “If I were more lovable or an adequate person he would never have gotten interested in someone else . . . I must be no good. I hate myself.” 

With the rejected partner feeling inadequate and unlovable, both people often foul up their relationships with the children. They often find it difficult to discipline or set limits, fearing that they might also lose their children’s love. The children sensing this begin to manipulate the parent in unhealthy ways for all concerned. 

With the erring partner too much psychic energy is consumed dealing with guilt, covering up lies, or setting up a foolproof rendezvous — to leave an adequate amount of libido for spouse, work, and kids. Frequently and ironically this individual finds that he can’t extricate himself gracefully from the illicit relationship when he is ready to return home. The other party now won’t let him go and uses guilt plus many other very effective mechanisms to hold on to him (or her). 

To carry off an “affair” successfully one needs to have a full blown character dis order without conscience or guilt. But most Mormons have a sufficient sense of responsibility or superego not to get off the hook that easily. So they suffer or move in the direction of apostasy. 

In the long view infidelity seems to be becoming an increasing problem in the L.D.S. family, primarily because we are living in a larger culture where such activity is so frequently modeled and glamorized in our literature and entertainments as well as in the lives of many of those around us. And some of our people succumb, as they would to a flu epidemic, their own weak nesses combining with overexposure to the virus. The rationalizations for this behavior will include, “My wife has been so irritating, unloving, and nagging — I deserve something a little better,” or “My husband just doesn’t know how to treat me right, he exasperates me so. A little flirtation never hurt anybody,” etc., etc. 

What many young or even older married couples don’t realize is that a good marriage, like anything else worthwhile, re quires a lot of plain hard work, giving, overlooking, and forgiving. One special couple, who have one of the best marriages I’ve seen, explain the secret of their exhilarating relationship and great family by saying, “We worked our damn heads off.” 

No man ever satisfied all of his wife’s needs and no woman ever understood and met all of her husbands desires. J. Golden Kimball once expressed it this way, “Not one man in a thousand knows how to treat a woman right. And not one woman in a 100,000 knows when she’s well enough off.” And while all of this is certainly true there can be and is a lot of fun and good loving in a great many marriages; like a powerful cement this tides the couple over the difficult days which beset every marriage.  It has been said that there are four critical components in married love: friendship, romance, sexual fulfillment, and sacrifice. We need all, to some degree, but at least two, friendship and sexual fulfillment, are necessary for a relationship to survive. And while the mix can vary considerably from marriage to marriage, sex alone (for example) cannot by itself make a stable or enduring relationship. Friendship (with implied good communication) is very important, though even here something more is needed. I doubt that very few people have ever loved superbly, but perhaps the miracle is that so many marriages do survive, that so many husbands and wives do love each other despite their neuroses, petti ness, and shortcomings — this is still earth, not heaven.