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Many people have observed something unusual about my relationship with my wife and people in general. Often, I have been asked by individuals wondering what my secret is, “Kennedy, do you know what you’re doing?” Since this interest has grown to such great proportions, I have decided to reveal my Plan for Living so that all men may enjoy its consequences. 

As everyone knows, Man’s goal in life is to feel completely in charge, with the willing support of all those whom he controls. This essay is writ ten to restore your hope in such a Goal—and to suggest principles which you must apply in winning such a commanding position in Life. 

At the outset, if you are a woman, please read no further, because an educated woman will infinitely complicate the process of reaching the Goal all men seek. If you are a Man, do NOT allow your wife, girlfriend or daughter to peruse this essay. This would give her an unfair advantage over you and, goodness knows, Men need every advantage possible in this sea of Matrimonial Darkness in which we exist. Therefore, Men, guard the principles which are set forth herein as you would guard your manliness—for without these little rules you will be reduced to a hollow shell, led around by some fascinating woman. 

Rule 1: Understanding the Dominated 

To successfully dominate anyone, a thorough familiarity of the subject dominated is necessary. Usually, acquiring such a familiarity is a simple task, requiring only a few moments of the average Man’s attention. It is suggested that you arrange to observe the subject in a revealing situation. Five-thirty p.m. is an ideal time—all weaknesses and failings are generally apparent at that hour. The slightest effort on your part during that period cannot help but bring out exaggerated responses. 

If she reacts with child-like sauciness, BEWARE—you are dealing with a fascinating woman, who is generally the most difficult of the species to understand due to her carefully concealed emotions, poor communication habits and professional role playing ability. 

However, assuming you can avoid such hapless pitfalls, your task will be quickly mastered and the first step along your road to Enchanting Manliness will have been successfully taken. 

Rule 2: That Commanding Attitude 

Women love to be pushed around and manipulated. Frequently, they will behave in a manner which seems to cry out for a commanding hand, or foot. Your job is to learn how to attain that Commanding Attitude which will be irresistable to everyone. Helpful hints follow: practice gritting your teeth while shaving; incorporate strong words into your vocabulary like “Absolutely!”, “Unquestionably!” and “Drivel!” Learn to endure pain—purposefully hit your thumb when pounding nails; when walking, repeat with each step, “I’m hard, I’m tough, I’m hard, . . ‘.” 

Aword of caution: remember, you are away from home most of the day. Thus, your Commanding Attitude must be pronounced enough to win back all the ground which you lost during the day. Some Men find it help ful to make a mid-day telephone call, at which time a few carefully chosen orders may be issued to keep the tone of dominance ringing throughout the family and home. 

Rule 3: Do Not Admit to Error 

A sign of weakness which almost certainly will reduce your commanding position to one of compliance is ready admission of error. It is much better to feign a loss of temper than to confess inadequacy. Stamp your feet, pound the table, and shout. Women love such antics and cannot help but bow submissively before such a display of masculine strength. 

Rule 4: Manly Dress 

Even if you are not basically commanding inside, you can fool the world with a few well-chosen pieces of clothing. For example, always buy shoes which are a few sizes too large; wear golf shirts which are at least two sizes too small. Whenever referring to your suit size, say you are a “perfect 40” (regardless of your actual size). Above all, never consult a woman about your clothes, unless it is to direct the repair of a manly rip. 

Rule 5: Develop Manly Habits 

Snoring is enchanting. Women love to brag about their husbands’ abilities in this area. To develop this trait, first go to sleep with a peach pit clamped between your teeth. This will keep your mouth open, but obstruct it just enough to require the inhaling of some air through your nose. Second, put your pillow under the small of your back, giving it a little arch, thus increasing your lung capacity. Third, tie your right hand to the bed post to prevent the muffling of any noise. Fourth, practice denying that you snore at all. 

Last, you must acquire an interest in televised sports to the exclusion of all else. Women love the devotion of their husband to a cause—be it the Packers, Bears, Cubs or the Sox. Remember, each game is a “very important game”—don’t miss any. 

Rule 6: Avoid Demeaning Things 

Garbage is demeaning. If you are to be enchanting, you must avoid such things. Thus, order your wife to undertake the responsibility to empty garbage pails and waste baskets. 

Above all, do NOT do dishes. This is an extremely feminine pastime and should not be part of any Enchanting Man’s repertoire. Ironing falls into the same category.

Conclusion

The above rules will undoubtedly thrust you into the euphoric Life of an Enchanting Man. Prepare yourself for this role. Do not act surprised or overly humble when people begin to comment about the change in your personality (and you can be sure, they will make comments).

Additionally, do not concern yourself with the fact that the above-enumerated principles are all extremely superficial and somewhat short-sighted. Although they have not yet been tried and proved, similar principles for women have been, and initial reports indicate overwhelming success and approval.* In any event, do not delay; start immediately to achieve your heart’s Goal.

*Cf. Helen Andelin, Fascinating Womanhood (1963), American Publishing Co.

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Mr. Kennedy sent us this essay with a letter written on stationery from his Chicago law firm: “My wife ordered me to send you the enclosed. Send the rejection slip to the above address.”