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Articles/Essays – Volume 53, No. 4
His Twelve Points of the Scout Law (Grandpa Fesses Up)
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Excerpt from “Taps for the BSA”
Mormon Church to cut all ties
with the Boy Scouts of America
at the end of 2019.
News release
Dedicated to the memory of James “Jim” Tuepker,
field-archer, Scoutmaster extraordinaire,
BSA Troop 10, Pasadena, California.
Trustworthy
Generally, with exceptions.
Buffalo Nickels skimmed when
he worked at Botts’ Ice-Cream,
small bills at Sam’s parking-lot
when he was desperate to pay
for babies that kept coming,
supplements when he was a
caregiver for a blind old lady.
An opportunistic pilferer, a
borrower of no-return. Face it,
a bit of a thief. Ouch! But he
only cheated on a wife once—
oops, forgot, well twice.
(No wonder Baden-Powell
put this first. Ouch!)
Loyal
Another stinger. Yes, but
passively, irresponsibly.
A beatnik outsider, a rebel
without a cause partly raised
by pinko-commiesympathizers
Wants to overthrow everything,
marched in ’67 in S.F. against
the Vietnam War, but stands
and sings the National Anthem.
WWII history buff, files but
doesn’t pay. A contrarian—thinks
Bernie’s too conservative, etc.
Wants to put everyone on
Social Security and Medicare
pay couples to marry, and pay
them for having kids too.
Complains, but seldom votes
(he lives in Utah, folks!).
Helpful
Easy to be entreated
(facile à supplier).
Soup-kitchen volunteer,
Anyone on his road
holding up a sign gets
five bucks (at least),
a Book of Mormon,
and some Grandpa
Teresa conversation.
(“Where you from,
where you going?
God bless you on your
way.”) Shows love.
Picks up hitchhikers,
gives blood, big tipper.
Friendly
Superficially, always,
but no glad-hander.
Treasures old friends,
but seldom writes or calls,
(neither do they, but
such waters run deep).
He’s here for them, and
them for him, if possible—
the mystery of knowing
some so deeply he
can’t discover why
they met or why they
continue connected, the
experience too sacred to
take lightly, analyze.
Courteous
Door opener. Pro-driver.
Signals, yields right-of-way,
lets people in, Keeps
under the limit, never
tailgates. Looks both ways
checks his mirrors, no
hollow-headed lane switcher.
Kind
Unfailingly, but firm
rather than gentle.
Non-combative, simply
finds less to do with
those he can’t abide.
Forgives everything
short of murder (Do
yo thang!) “Loosey-
goosey,” his wife
would say. Sweetly,
secretly resentful
and judgmental like
his mom, but a quick
counter-puncher,
like his dad, when
pushed too far.
Obedient
Fearfully so.
Church every Sunday,
Temple every Monday,
Prayers morning
and night. A chapter
of Scripture most
mornings: Bible,
(Old T and New T)
Book of Mormon,
Doctrine & Covenants.
Full tithe-payer
(on gross) plus
$100/m for the needy.
Family history buff.
But like his friend
Gene England, Grandpa
has “moments of utter
skepticism” (How
could an embodied
God survive in a
space full of black
holes?) A Jesus freak,
but still trying to fathom
His mysterious Father,
and still more in love
with himself than his
neighbor. A religious
revolutionary, like
Joseph Smith (his 4th
cousin) and Brigham
Young. An evolutionist,
Gay-Rights Advocate
(“Same rules same
blessings for all!”) Sees
the Body of Christ as
a person—born, growing,
messing up Big Time,
learning from mistakes
(about now a teenager).
Cheerful
Seriously, because
as soon as he could talk
he had to find words
to make his lonely
anxious mom smile.
(Dad worked seven days.)
So Grandpa still has
this habit of listening just
enough to hear something he
can spin into a one-liner
for a laugh, or better yet,
something unforgettable,
amazing if possible,
at least droll. And while
he’s got your attention,
hit a shot over his net
and see if he doesn’t
return it to a corner
to your left while
you’re running right.
Thrifty
Compulsive saver,
agonized spender.
14% Scot on one
side (Muir, Stewart)
14% German-Swiss
Jew (Wetzler-Guggen-
heim) on the other.
His pinched pennies
look like the ones
the kids used to
put on tracks
for trains to run
over. But married
a money-maker
spender. Loved it!
Lived on Osmond
Lane in Provo
in a 6,000 sq. ft.
French Country
chateau. Went
bankrupt twice.
Brave
Two minor tussles with
bullies in grade-school.
Boxed at Stanford until
he didn’t see a left-
hook coming and came
fully “to” a couple hours
later and decided he
preferred to be able
to think. Otherwise
physically and militarily
untested. Too young or
too old or too married
with kids for any wars,
but foolhardy enough
to get hitched in Vegas
on a weekend and
make it last 12 years.
Clean
Addicted to the usual
suspects until he
was fifty. Went cold
turkey on cigarettes
and alcohol when he
got married the third
time. Porn was tougher.
Finally forswore all
images, even bathing-
suits (No Images
Therapy). There’s
scars on his plate,
some flecks, leftovers
for Jesus to wipe off,
but Grandpa keeps it
clean as he can.
A poster-adult for
continuing repentance.
Reverent
Shuts his mouth and
parks his brain and
his butt in Church
most Sundays and
bows his head, folds
his arms like a little
kid and closes his eyes
as he partakes of a
piece of bread and a
thimble of water in
remembrance of the One
who descended below
and rose above, in order
to redeem him and
everyone else, in a
world that looks like
it created itself.