A Help Meet for Man | Helen B. Andelin, Fascinating Womanhood

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The opening statement of the introduction to this book declares: “To be loved and cherished is woman’s highest goal in marriage. This book is written to restore your hope in such a goal—and to suggest principles which you must apply in winning man’s genuine love.” True to its own established “highest goal,” the book proceeds to define how man is different from woman and to discuss what a woman must become in order to captivate a man. 

Sprinkled liberally throughout the book are assignments like this one: “If your husband is reserved take the necessary steps to break down his wall. When you notice that he is particularly withdrawn be tender and assure him of your love and admiration for him. Pat his cheek, and be soft and affectionate.” The author does not promise instant success. She does promise that if any woman works hard and faithfully at the assignments she will ultimately, without fail, win something called “celestial” love, which seems to give a woman the power to get her husband willingly to give her anything she wants. 

Mrs. Andelin divides the perfections of a “fascinating woman” into two parts: angelic and human. The twenty-two chapters tell first how to understand men and their peculiarities and then how to develop the characteristics which they cannot resist. In the final summary Mrs. Andelin lists the do’s and don’t’s of being irrestibly human and absolutely angelic. Once a woman has mastered these simple lists she can have whatever she wants from men, and she can get it without their suspecting what she is up to. 

The reason this book is deemed worthy of a review is that many women of the Church across the country have organized themselves into study groups to read and discuss it. While not sponsored officially, the book has many gospel references, and those who study it at the moment are largely Church members. The host of devoted disciples who have found in this book the solution to their marital problems testify that Mrs. Andelin’s do’s and don’t’s have brought greater happiness to them in their relationships with their husbands and sons, and with men in general. The fact that this book could inspire such devotion from so many women is a good indication that they feel a need for some help in making their marriages more meaningful and more satisfying. 

What Mrs. Andelin has done successfully is to remind women that there is magic in little things. There is now, and always has been, a wonderful, healing balm to the tired and bruised soul when someone else is kind, thoughtful, and considerate in speech and action. Human beings, male and female, reach out for the person who remembers to do these little things, and because these little things are so greatly needed and wanted they become big and basic in establishing better human relations. 

There are weaknesses in the book, among them a vagueness in the use of words which obscures the author’s meaning. For instance, she uses the term “celestial” to describe a certain kind of love without regard for its scriptural implications, thus diminishing its significance for Church members. There are contradictions, too, as in the admonition to develop a girlish trust and at the same time to “be a Domestic Goddess.” A goddess could scarcely be characterized as having “girlish trust.” The dictionary says a girl is a female infant or child, the other a divinity. The manner, the style, the projection of each are quite different. 

Mrs. Andelin generously employs examples from literature to define her meaning, which has some value, of course, but does not really afford a clear and precise concept to understand. The pictures of “ideal” women are taken from highly romantic novels of a century past which are now period pieces: Thackeray’s Vanity Fair, Dickens’ David Copperfield, and Victor Hugo’s Toilers of the Sea. The characters from these books are unlikely models for women today. Deruchette, the heroine of Toilers of the Sea and a girl who qualifies as an ideal because she has the requisite angelic and human characteristics, is far removed from modern women. Among all the nice things said of Deruchette, Mrs. Andelin comments, “Her accomplishments were the knowledge of a few songs; her intellectual gifts were summed up in simple innocence.” Unaccomplished or unlearned women may have many virtues, but most modern women do not fall in this category. Women today are faced with the blessing and the challenge of modern education, and examples which disregard this fact are simply irrelevant. 

In its perfection, Mrs. Andelin says, “our ideal . . . is not represented by one woman, but by two, Agnes and Dora,” from David Copperfield, who embody respectively the human and the angelic sides of the ideal. Dickens, at least, thought it difficult to find the two combined in one person, thus raising for readers the question of whether one woman should expect to achieve perfection in both ways. 

Dickens knew enough about women to understand that Agnes and Dora each had something wonderful to offer. The man in the story chose Dora, the human, and then found himself desiring the things which the more angelic Agnes could have given. This part of the situation is real enough to occur in today’s world. But no woman who is by nature like Agnes can assume the mannerisms of Dora without feeling dishonest. And while the Doras of the world can be delightfully playful, they hardly ever change into the deep and sensitive human beings which are the Agneses. 

And should Agnes try to be part Dora? Grave personal damage, as the scriptures imply, is done to individuals who try to be what they are not. The second commandment tells us to love others as we love ourselves. We must accept ourselves before we can love ourselves, just as we must accept others before we can love them. This is particularly true in marriage. Women must accept their husbands and love them as they are, and men must accept their wives as they are and not ask them to be some other human being. 

Jesus told Martha that she should learn to understand Mary and realize that while Mary seemingly disregarded the practical necessities, still her gift of love was important. Jesus was not telling Martha to withdraw her great service. He was simply gently reminding her not to be so critical of Mary. The same principle applies in marriage. And yet while Mrs. Andelin urges women to accept men uncritically, she does not allow women the right to the same acceptance. 

This is not to argue that women should not improve themselves. They certainly should. As the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches, women should constantly seek to improve in appearance, in mind, in spirit, and in efficiency in their homes. Furthermore, they can be more truly feminine and strive to become perfect in womanly things, more genuinely concerned for their husbands and families, more effective in making their homes havens for those who come. Joseph Smith pointed out that a wife should greet her husband with a smile and mildness instead of an argument or murmuring and strive to calm his soul and soothe his feelings. He counseled women to provide a place of refuge for their husbands, a place of rejuvenation. 

But while a woman struggles for improvement, her man also must be moving forward in his search for perfection. Human relationships seem more complex than Mrs. Andelin makes them out. A woman’s virtues are not in dependent of the people around her. Her actions are deeply dependent upon the man she marries and the people with whom she lives. It is doubtful that any woman, however perfect, could ever make a happy marriage without the active efforts of her husband. From such simple things as the time when the husband is to arrive for meals to the intimate relationships of marriage, the active consent of both parties is essential to happiness. All successful marriages have one thing in common: there is give and take. 

Moreover, there is much scripture to substantiate the conclusion that man is to be loved and revered for what he does and for what he becomes, not just because he is a man. Men who do not honor their priesthood or who do not honor themselves as sons of God do not merit the marital love of women. In her list of do’s, Mrs. Andelin says to “revere your husband and honor his right to rule you and his children.” But the Doctrine and Covenants makes it clear that man’s authority is to be maintained by “persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy and without guile. . . .” A woman may obey as she convenants in her marriage vows, but the enlargement of the feeling is dependent upon the man’s growth as well as upon the woman’s willingness. Serious studies of marriage suggest that no genuine solution to marital difficulties is possible without honesty between the partners and growth in which they both participate. 

Improvements in a marriage, whether instigated by the man or the woman, are most likely to result from a perfectly honest giving of oneself. Mrs. Andelin frequently gives the impression of urging artifice and subterfuge, which cannot in the long run lead to success in human relationships. In the book’s list of do’s, women are counseled to learn to “express yourself when your husband mistreats you by childlike sauciness”; or “acquire a child-like manner”; or “include some childlike clothes in your wardrobe.” To comment only on two of these, it would seem more genuine and in keeping with the scriptures to control anger completely, except under the most extreme provocation, and then true anger should be expressed. 

While acknowledging the power and magic of little things in one’s relationship to men, it seems important to recognize that human beings—whether men or women—are not to be manipulated. Things are to be manipulated and maneuvered. But not people. People share the divine spark of intelligence with God the Father and His Son, and they are created even in mortal existence “a little lower than the angels.” People are to be taught, to be persuaded, to be loved, to be motivated, even to be suffered, to be endured, and to be cared for. 

Women who are devoted to this book should evaluate its teachings in the light of gospel principles in order not to be misled. True loving is giving honestly all that one has and in marriage the expression of love requires women—and men—to go the second mile time and time again.

Fascinating Womanhood. By Helen B. Andelin. Fresno, California: American Publishing Company, 1963. 175 pp. $5.00.